Rock | YOU | Hard Place

Dictionary.com defines “perspective” as…

1. a mental view or prospect.


With all that we know about the opposite sex, it can still take a lifetime to figure out relationships?

For many women, to become a wife is the ultimate recognition, almost rivaling that of being called a mother. You are not just a girlfriend, main, or significant other. You are a WIFE!




“That just has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?”

You are now someones other half, better half, or rib, as a friend of mine refers to it. 

Either way you look at it, you have been chosen, by someone to be “Mrs. Right!”

“Damn you, Society for somewhere down the line of relationships, causing men and women to view marriage so differently.”

For many women, marriage seems to compare, in concept, to an NBA, NFL, or MLB Championship Ring.

Fellas, pardon the comparison, but for the sake of translating the legitimacy in their view point, I’ll walk down this road.  

Although a player (your girl) may love the game and love playing it (dating you). They still, at the end of the day want “the” ring, and they only need two. Engagement and Wedding. 

That being said, it may make a little more sense why the following has happened or may happen to you. 

1. She gives you an ultimatum. Many times this can happen out of shear frustration. Not because of a lack of love for you, but because the hour glass has started to run out (If she wants kids, even faster). 


In her attempt to help you fully understand her point of view, you may hear the words, “You need to put a ring on my finger…” or “If we are not going down the road of marriage…”


These are legitimate statements from a female perspective. Easy Bake ovens, baby dolls, kitchen sets, even Ken and Barbie for that matter, have introduced “family” in a very powerful way from birth. While we are playing with G. I. Joe and Transformers, they are burping baby dolls and not letting the cookies burn in the oven.


If she is in love with you and loves you and is committed to you, it’s safe to assume she wants to be your wife before 30!





2. She may become bitter/unhappy. This is a frustrating one, but should be expected depending on your relationship. How happy are we really, when we don’t get what we want or expect to get, based on our efforts? If she has been busting ass to be what you are looking for in a wife and you seem to be avoiding that whole subject, just be prepared for some long nights and arguments and possible distance.




3. She may cheat on you either emotionally/physically. This is a touchy subject because it looks outside the relationship to pacify. As human beings, when our needs are unmet, it is rare that we simply choose to go without. 


She may or may not internalize your lack of interest in marriage and seek approval elsewhere, emotionally or physically or psychologically. 


Remember that if marriage is on her radar, then it is also a part of the liquid included in her emotional cup and nothing good can happen for you when her emotional cup is only half full. Not to condone, just to explain.




4. She may drop hints frequently. Directly or indirectly. In my long work history with Kay Jeweler’s, I’ve seen this maneuver frequently. Random stops into the mall to randomly end up in the jewelry store and randomly end up with a sales person showing you an engagement ring! Invitations to many more couples activities than had been previously attended. Relationship or Marriage Counseling in order to prepare you for “the future.” (Which is HIGHLY suggested!) This also should make sense. She wants to get married and we all know a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.



If you appreciate your relationship and the female in it, you may want to do the following. 

1. Let her know your intentions both present and future. Clarity can prove to be one of the greatest assets in any relationship. If you want to wait, tell her. If you want to get married tomorrow after work, tell her that too. If you are hesitant because of this ,that, or the other, make that known so that it can be addressed. If you just want a friend, lover, long term girlfriend, etc. She should know.


It is never good to have someone ask your girl what’s going on in the relationship and she have the confused face. That being said, ladies, please be as open minded and open hearted as possible. It is possible that if men think you are going to snap and kill three people if he says he’s not ready, he may hesitate or lie to you in order to circumvent the initial drama. Let him get it out then act accordingly.

2. Understand her point of view on marriage and plan accordingly Know, to the best of your abilities, where she is coming from with her views on marriage. Grandparents, parents, friends, church, etc. Find out what drives her, what her expectations are, and what her fears are. Ladies, this applies to you too. I know plenty of men that have heard some very pessimistic views on marriage. I’ll address those later.

3. Keep her emotionally and physically fed. If you happen to be the gentleman that isn’t ready for marriage just yet and do not want to cross that line yet, before you are married, it might be a great idea to be the best “boyfriend” you can be. I am always disappointed to hear about the guy that, not only won’t marry, but isn’t doing boyfriend duties that well. 


You may be asking yourself, “If he’s not that great of a boyfriend, then why marry him?” In my opinion, females are some of the most understanding and patient of God’s creatures. They can have children for God’s sake. 9 months of creating a human being, labor, then 30 years of raising a child, even with a partner takes PATIENCE, but it is not unlimited.

Conversely, a lot of men are raised differently and exposed to a completely different impression of relationships and more importantly marriage.  

While most men understand the importance of marriage, it seems to be, at it’s basis, contradictory to what some men feel is an uncontrollable desire. 

Some of our concerns:

1. Sex with one woman for the rest of our lives. Ladies, please do not underestimate this. I’ve heard some women say, “If he loves me, that feeling should go away.” “Am I not good enough to satisfy him sexually?” “What does she have that I don’t?” “If he loves me he wouldn’t hurt me by cheating” All of the above listed statements are relevant, however, just as much as we need to understand our woman and how her mind and body works, the same understanding needs to be applied to men. I often have compared a man’s sexual desire to a female’s emotional desire. 





Pardon me if I am totally off base though. A female can find emotional stimuli all day long, soap operas, conversation, reading, talk shows, reality shows, other female, friends, and family, and of course male interaction. They desire that type of stimuli and it is readily available.


Men have been bombarded with almost nothing, but physical stimuli since we could walk and talk. Videos, movies, TV, nightlife, etc. 


Society has wet our appetites for variety since bible times, with kings who had multiple wives. Not saying sex with a million females for life is right, just trying to explain why some guys don’t see it as wrong either. (Excluding those in relationships where that is a NO NO!) 


I am not necessarily sure I am correct in this statement, but It seems that a lot of men would gladly have a sexual relationship with 5 different females. Females that may all have different characteristics about them, and still may not necessarily have a strong emotional connection with any of them. You may be asking yourself, “How could he have sex with that many people, that’s just nasty?” “How does he just have sex without an emotional connection with some women?” Simple answer. Some men don’t necessarily value it the same. So you may need to check with yours.


I said all that to say this, learn your mate. Men need to learn what your needs are emotionally to even have an attempt as satisfying them. Women need to do the same. Take this last statement how you want. You may want to keep his sexual cup full through creativity, spontaneousness, and technique.

2.The Ball and Chain Theory. 





This should be an easy one to solve, I think. Many men are given the impression from other married men that once you get married you are not allowed to do anything. You have a curfew of “street lights”, you never see your friends again, and the only place you are allowed to go with out her is church, lol! This may be due to a couple of different reasons, but one I hear most is either, “I don’t trust him” or “She doesn’t trust me.” 


Men FYI: If you violated the trust, please expect a trial period for recovery. (You have no idea how long that’s going to be either) This is where you have to be accountable and put on the patience hat.


Ladies FYI: Checking up behind him and through his things has never in the history of time REALLY helped you trust him anymore than you did. I could be wrong though.


If you are confident enough to be flexible in some of his important areas, he should appreciate it. This however does not let the guys off the hook. Intentions and expectations should be openly discussed by both parties.


Lastly, NEITHER gender is going to be happy with you playing COOL with certain things then as soon as you open your last wedding gift say, “You are a husband/wife now. You can’t/shouldn’t do that.”

3. Lack of sex after marriage/kids. SCARY! As much as men love sex, ladies please be resourceful. If you are unable to have sex or just don’t have the desire please come up with something. If you have the desire, but can’t for whatever reason, first let him know, then use other appendages, lol, but serious. 


If you do not have the desire, again, please tell him. He may come up with something to relight that pilot and get the flame going, but to keep him ignorant and in the dark will force him to try and suppress a need that may take an army to subdue. Fellas, this does apply in reverse!!!


4. Lack of her physical appeal. What I am about to say may seem harsh, so I hope I explain it right. When a man looks at a magazine and sees the following. Here is what he sees. She’s still got it! She works out! I want my girl to look the same way after 40, which all of the women listed are. 

Let’s be realistic though. As much as I don’t look like Taye Diggs, Tyson Beckford, or Nelly for that matter, I still try to look the best I can look. That’s all many men ask of their mate. We want you to work as hard as possible to remain physically attractive post kids and post 30’s. In all fairness, the same can be asked of men…More work, less excuses.



Rounding this all up, the thing to remember is that different perspectives on marriage only become a bad thing when:

  1. They aren’t discussed. No discussion. No resolution.
  2. They become frequent excuses for relationship progress.
  3. They are known and a resolution is not sought after.
Marriage has the potential to be the greatest, most loving relationship you ever feel and the biggest commitment you will ever make and ALL things should be discussed before signing on the dotted line!


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5 comments

  1. If only this was a guide to be given before people got engaged. To much emphasis is put on the engagement and the wedding and not where it should be…on the marriage (mostly by women, being a little girl warped our minds, men think about the fact that they can have sex everyday, but cringe at the idea of having it with the same person). Being friends, sex, having a connection outside sex, being able to make someone feel loved and willingness to participate in a give/take relationship not to be evaluated before hand. A questionnaire should be written that someone has to fill out when the thought of spending the rest of your life with another. I am afraid that many would take it and their partner would see the results and would run away brokenhearted. We all need to be honest and put our cards on the table. If we don’t then we can’t complain when that shiny wedding band starts to tarnish.

  2. Very good advice given overall. The main point I got out of this post is that the future husband and wife need to communicate effectively before and during marriage. There was a point I wanted to make…#4 (lack of her physical appeal) you stated that when a man sees another woman who looks like halle berry, stacey dash, vanessa williams and says to himself that those women “still have it” therefore my woman needs to, this statement is very superficial and whoever thinks that those women look as they do in the pictures you posted on a daily basis with just their own effort is superficial as well and his woman should think twice about marrying him. ABSOLUTELY any female can look as good as those women if they also had an entourage of artists and an amazing tech crew to photoshop their photos in order to make them look “flawless”. (Try finding and posting the REAL, everyday photos of those same women and use them in the same paragraph of this blog…let’s be real…you won’t do it). The problem is that men tend to compare their woman to other females when that shouldn’t be done in the first place…but in addition to that, men tend to compare their woman to unrealistic physical traits of another female. If you can say you are ready to be married to a woman, that means you should also be ready to be married to how she looks on a regular basis. A man comparing her to the looks of another female is setting the himself up for being unsatisfied and unhappy and will in turn cause him to set an unobtainable expectation for his woman to try to reach physically. I noticed you also stated that most men only ask for their woman to “look the best she can”, but if her “best” still doesn’t meet the expected image he has in his mind because he’s comparing her ability to that of another woman, then that man and woman are back at square one. And you also stated that men want their woman to work as hard as possible to remain physically attractive post kids and post 30’s…this too is what women want for themselves, but its hard for a woman to take that kind of time out for herself if she isn’t with the type of man that will help her with those kids she just had. Men don’t hesitate to go to the gym whenever they feel like it and for how long they feel like it, and because of that, it leaves the woman to sacrifice her personal workout time in order to be home with the kids and to get dinner ready and to help with homework. It would be easier if the man would make his individual gym membership into a family membership and alternate schedules with his woman to workout on the days when he isn’t working out. Men need to get their heads and eyes out of the magazines and into a Bible in order for them to read about what’s really important in a woman. (Same goes for women) Those are my opinions on this post! 🙂

  3. @ First lady…Yes Ma’am!!

    Now I agree with most of what you said, however I dont think that there is an unrealistic perspective from most men that their wives will look like any of those pictures. However a lot of men are attracted to mainstream images of beauty and brainwashed by the propaganda of the definition of beauty. Yet and still…A lot of men also like to look at that and love to love their REAL wives. Their wives real deep brown or black skin, cellulite, wild hair, and blemishes that he married in the first place. I think the real issue comes when you marry a partner looking one way and they end up on the other side of the spectrum in 10 years! Most important thing you said is giving Mom time to work it on out!! But as a Mother, employee, student, boss, and fiance, I have to find my own time and motivation. Because the same woman He wants to see, I want to see too. My body is a temple and it will look its best!!

    Sex with the same woman for the rest of our lives. (EXELLENT photo BTW) I think that this is scary for both parties no matter how many ladies try to deny it. And the HARDEST conversation to have with your man is that he is not satisfying you sexually. However when your relationship is based on honesty and you create a safe place for open communication it helps alot!! And you never know what you can come up with creatively ladies=) you can make him think he is Fuckin 5 different women…..lol

    Last but not least Trust. Nate you could write a whole book on this. Trust is delicate and once it is bruised its hell to heal. But baby once it is broken, repeatedly broken, I hope it is worth it because you are about to engage in a fight for your life if you both want to return to a healthy relationship. Or you will have to reluctantly accept that your partner will never fully trust you with their heart again. Not like before. And its a sad day when you cannot fully place your trust and heart in your life partner. For me that is what marriage is all about. I can trust you no matter what. That you may be the only person on earth that will tell me the truth even if at the begining you tell a lie. We can have an understanding that here in our circle you can always tell me truth and I will do the same for you. But even to be that honest with a person takes enormous trust. I would rather have a marriage based on trust than love. Trust that your partner is who you know them to be is security. But when you find yourself saying, “Wow, I never knew that side of him,I wonder what else that side is capable of?” that is scary as hell. Being led to believe untruths is scary as hell. And I would rather a partner who knows and loves me enough not to place me where I feel like I have to protect my heart from him.

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